


Hazardous Duty (Or, Why SHIELD R&D Now Has a Draconian Oversight Process)

by lzg



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Crack, Dubious Consent, Foursome - F/F/F/M, Humor, Multi, Sex Pollen, Threesome - F/M/M, author needs to get laid, i never would have written this otherwise, kinda desperately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-14
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-11 21:42:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/803566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lzg/pseuds/lzg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which there is a busted sex ray, no one wants to remember what just happened (hint: it was lots and lots of sex), and a number of SHIELD's policies need to be drastically overhauled.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hazardous Duty (Or, Why SHIELD R&D Now Has a Draconian Oversight Process)

**Author's Note:**

> Consent issues are for sex pollen-induced orgy between SHIELD agents/staff/anyone who was in the building. Only depicted sex is between partners who would have consented anyway. No one gets hurt, many are severely chafed.

T+12:00.00

Hill's voice echoed through SHIELD headquarters. “All agents with Sigma-level clearance, please report to the infirmary for mandatory STD and pregnancy tests.”

 

T+09:10.12

“Therefore, all affected members of SHIELD will report to the infirmary according to clearance level for appropriate testing. We are in the process of providing cover stories and corroborating physical evidence to all personnel who are in outside relationships. No, and I mean FUCKING NO retaliation will be made against the R&D department for the misfire, nor is anyone to ask them for a repeat.”

 

T+06:13.08

Hill, Jablonsky, Swaminathan, and Fury woke up. Naked. Covered in...substances that everyone's minds shied away from identifying.

“Hill, I have three questions.”

“Yes, sir?”

“Are we naked on the gun range?”

“It would appear so, sir.”

“What was the RHT-140424 I signed last week for?”

“Human trials of a weaponized aphrodisiac emitter.”

“Why is my eyepatch covering one of Jablonsky's--”

“NO IDEA, SIR.”

“Thank you, Hill. Carry on.”

Swaminathan's voice husked out (and Fury tried very hard to repress how she had sounded screaming for him to fuck me harder, you duplicitous one-eyed bastard), “I would like to propose an amendment to our hazardous pay schema, Director.”

“Approved, if you can find me some pants. Or my coat. And a new eyepatch.”

 

T+05:32.41

“You have reached the office of Phil Coulson, Senior Agent. Please leave a detailed message containing your SHIELD identification number and security level. If this is an emergency, please enter your emergency code to connected to the main switchboard. Stark, if you change my message one more time, I will forward the audio file to Ms. Potts.”

“Sir, I just received a very odd message from Specialist Barton. Something about me coming over to HQ so you, Natasha, and he could, um, ride me like a stallion. Is this another joke of Tony's? I thought you and Natasha...oh, never mind. How do you delete messages off this thing?” <sounds of phone buttons being pressed>

 

T+04:01.59

“Look, JARVIS, just tell me what the hell is going on over there. I missed the meeting four hours ago, so Agent should be calling for his daily dose of therapeutic nagging right about now.”

“Protocol ERIS, sir.”

“I never programmed--”

“Miss Potts created it, sir. Initiated for events which have the potential for catastrophic embarrassment of entirely innocent parties. Would you like me to contact her for an override?”

“No.”

“Will that be all, sir?”

“You know that I'll find out.”

“But not through direct surveillance, sir.”

“I am the master, JARVIS.”

“Of all you survey, sir. However, you will not be surveying this.”

“Fine, killjoy. Hey, where's Bird-brain? I've got the balance on those EMP arrowheads all worked out.”

 

T+03:06.09

Whatever Clint was trying to say, or more accurately, whimper was completely muffled and incomprehensible. Not surprising, considering that Phil was fucking his face with the enthusiasm of a teenager on Viagra. The sensations were quite pleasant, and he slowed for a bit to savor them. Natasha, facing him across the length of Clint's body, paused with just the tip of her strap-on breaching Clint's entrance.

“What was that, Clint?”

Phil keenly felt the loss of that hot, wet mouth as Clint popped off him to gasp out, “Hard, okay, Nat? Just as hard and fast as you can. God, please, you know I can take it.”

Natasha grinned ferally at Phil, all gleaming teeth and eyes, then squeezed one of Clint's asscheeks hard, leaving little red marks from her nails.

“Same as the last five times, маленькая шлюха. I know.” She slammed in hard and he screamed with pleasure, then bent his head down to take Phil's cock in again. Phil closed his eyes, letting Natasha drive Clint onto him, feeling Clint's throat flutter as he took Phil to the hilt. Unusual circumstances or not, they were all going to enjoy this. Maybe he'd switch places with Natasha the next time around, he mused as the vibrations from Clint's moans pushed him over the edge into another red-edged orgasm.

 

T+00:24.37

Even in the throes of somewhat-insane passion, no one was crazy enough to go near the Black Widow as she stalked through the orgiastic halls of SHIELD HQ. Anyone who even looked at Hawkeye with lust ended on the receiving end of a teeth-bared snarl. One particularly stupid agent who actually tried to pull him from her iron grasp ended up pinned to the wall by a pair of thrown knives. She had just enough control left that the woman was pinned through her uniform, not her flesh.

Finally reaching her objective, she pounded on the door with one hand while the other held Clint off. Just enough that he wasn't encouraged to go elsewhere but not so close that he could overwhelm her. Natasha knew that if she didn't get them to a secure location soon, she'd lose it completely; her Red Room enhancements and reactions made her an extremely unsafe partner when she lost control, and the only people she trusted to handle her in this state were on either side of this door. While her physiology was giving her a little more time than the un-enhanced--

“Damnit, Phil, let us in now!” she shrieked.

“Will if you let me get to the lock,” he croaked from behind her, fending off a very enthusiastic Clint to reach the lock panel. They all tumbled in and Phil reset the lock. Nothing short of the Hulk was coming through. Fortunately, Banner was in California.

“What happened?”

“Power surge in the labs,” he got out between kisses. “Some experimental device blew, affected the whole building. Should be another four hours or so before everything is back to normal.”

She ripped their clothing off, then used one last erg of willpower to admire the way the two of them writhed against each other. Clint slid down Phil's body, kissing, nibbling, licking, already gleaming with sweat. By some miracle, Phil managed to keep his head long enough to gasp out, “Building on full lockdown, outside agents notified and on alert. We're safe. And your special overnight bag is in my, fuck, closet. 

 _Thankyouthankyouthankyou_ she'd forgotten it after that last emergency had pulled them back to HQ in the middle of the night. Natasha tore off her clothes as she ran to the closet, yanked open her bag and looked at all the little toys and lube that were going to make this one hell of a ride. She smiled and pulled out her favorite strap-on. Oh, _**yes**_.

 

T+00:00.10

“Do you feel that?”

Natasha looked up from her bacon double cheeseburger at Clint's odd tone. “Feel what?”

He was breathing oddly, deeper than usual. She saw gooseflesh rising up on his arms as he dropped his fork to rub hands over his forearms and the back of his neck.

“Dunno, kind of...cool and shivery, I guess.”

“Cucumber dressing on your rabbit food? Or perhaps Coulson just realized that you did not fill out the 3K-MST form as you promised to do before coming to lunch. Do you feel someone walking over your grave?” She smiled winsomely at him.

He gave her a sour look and returned to his salad.

 

T-00:10.00

“Hey Stan, don't forget to shut down the emitter array.”

“Yeah, yeah, already done, it's just going to take a while to power down all the way.”

“Shouldn't we wait for it to shut off completely?”

“It'll be fine, Dan. Jesus, you're such a worry-wart. Now come on, I'm starving and that red-headed hottie at the diner gets off shift in half an hour.”

“Maybe I should stay behind and--”

“I said, it'll be fine. What's the worst that could happen?”

 


End file.
